Achy breaky heart.

Today I dropped off to charity the first of likely many loads of baby stuff we are done using. I bawled my eyes out. Bawled. Almost ran back to the man sorting it for the appropriate bins and said, "you know what, nevermind. I can't part with that quite yet" grabbed it up, and sped off like a lunatic. I didn't. 

This was stuff I kept from when Liam was a new little one and Nolan has now outgrown either physically or developmentally. This was also every fertility, pregnancy and breastfeeding book I ever owned. Don't get me wrong, i like to give stuff to friends first and foremost. I have passed along cute clothes and needed baby items. I also have a tote full of super sentimental stuff, as well. The items I dropped off were the "in limbo" items-- no one I knew needed them, but they weren't sentimental enough to me to keep, given that we don't have infinite storage space. 

My heart broke all the way home. To know that I won't bring home another newborn and watch another itty bitty smile toothless grins at me tore me up inside. Even though I'm mostly ok that we are done having children, my heart aches as I watch this door of my life shut. I know I've been blessed. I know the best is yet to come, watching my babies grow and learn and laugh and love. But today, I'm sad. My heart is sad. Today, I don't care if it's selfish to mourn something like this when I know there are so many others who won't even experience what I'm feeling. Believe me, I know I'm blessed. But I just needed to write about this moment.