Some catching up....

i don't even know where to start... i'm only able to do this much right now because i have no court and i'm putting off a jail visit for the next hour.... i will go to jail.  i have to go to jail. 

so -- being a mother.... what can i say?  all you moms already know what a shit show motherhood can be.  was it what i was expecting?  i don't know.  i cared for children before; i was a nanny and i watched my sister's kids a couple years ago while they were on a business trip (blog followers, remember that nutty trip? let me be the first to say i haven't forgotten diapers yet as a mom because that day at the zoo is burned into my brain)... so i kinda get the whole child care thing.  dipaers - no big deal.  screaming fits - no big deal.  lack of sleep - not really a big deal, i was the girl you wanted at your next party, i used to hang on til the break of dawn, but it's MUCH, MUCH different when you're up every 2 hours to feed a newborn.  wasn't quite prepared for that.

what were the "eye openers" for me, so to speak? 

well, first of all, breastfeeding.  i don't care what you read, what classes you take, no one prepares you for (a) how hard it is and (b) how painful it is at the beginning.  and that is me not ever having a clogged duct or mastitis.  we had ONE bout of thrush.  that was enough to almost send me over the edge.  i also had to give up dairy... i thought i had to stay sober, i didn't realize that there would be no DQ Blizzards or pizza in my foreseeable future.... because no one tells you the dark side of breastfeeding....unless you're my awesome sister.  if it weren't for her, i would have quit before 1 month.  so let me tell you:  breastfeeding is hard, it sucks at first, and you will feel isolated and alone and inadequate because, often times, the people serving up advice for you, don't get it.  as i sit here nearing the end of days of nursing for me (my boobs have become lazy and my boy is a hoss), i'm thankful i had someone i could talk to TRUTHFULLY about it, not all "kumbyah" in a circle, armpits unshaven, boobs hanging out talking about how cluster feeding and bloody nipples are "so sweet" and "precious" and "for the greater good."  i was lucky i had an ample milk supply when i did.  i was lucky i didn't have any ailments that potentially come along with breastfeeding.  if the stars did not align for me like they did, i'd be telling a different story.   and i'm sure i'd be sharing that different story with a big helping of mommy guilt.  mommy guilt for not keeping at it and giving my son "the best."  but before this turns into a rant about how unsupportive women can be to other women about their choices for their child(ren), let me segway into my second eye opener....

mommy guilt.  i read about it, i heard others talk about it, and i said "nope. won't happen to me.  i've got my shit together, man!" well, turns out, i'm not immune.  even as i write this blog, in the back of my mind there is the voice saying, "if you get to jail NOW, you can get home that much sooner to see your baby."  or if i go to the gym before going home, SUPER guilt that i am taking time for myself instead of rushing home to play school bus with my son.  and he's an infant.  imagine when he's older, can understand, is clinging to my leg in an attempt to twart my departure to work in  the morning.... why don't i stay home?  we could afford it if we cut out any and all non-necessary items, i'm sure.  but we'd be miserable.  i'd be miserable.  i enjoy working most days, and while sometimes i hate my job, i like interacting with other adults.  and i work so we can do things with Liam, like travel. and thankfully, i don't have the kind of job that requires more than the normal 40 hours/week.... unless i'm in trial, i can be home in time for dinner.  when he's older, i'll be able to attend after school things.... but it doesn't make the mommy guilt go away.... it's always there in the back of my head, if i'm not with my baby boy, i'm a shitty mom. 

i also wasn't prepared for.... how can i word this?..... the crazies...  i was crazy before, but becoming a mom has made me the craziest person on the planet.  and again, it's something that isolates you because you think, "i'm the only one who is thinking this, because this is so freaking crazy, no one else has these thoughts and if they do, they have to be in a nuthouse, so i'll just keep this to myself so i am not committed."  for example, i would wake up to make sure Liam was breathing.  nevermind the fact that our baby monitor had a camera and a movement sensor.  if he stopped breathing an alarm should go off.  but it's a machine.  it could malfunction.  therefore, i must forgo any and all sleep so that i can monitor my newborn's breathing.  i can't tell you the number of times i researched SIDS while nursing.  i thought, "if he makes it to 6 months, then the incidence of SIDS declines dramatically" .... oh wait, there's a story about a 10-month old who died of SIDS, nevermind, let me continue to worry.  if it's not SIDS, it's cancer.  if it's not SIDS and cancer, it's a plane crash.  Or tripping and falling on my baby on the hardwood floors.  we've already been in a car accident with him, the car was totaled, all was fine (he was totally fine), but let me worry more about the abstract, rare things that could happen to him.  i probably should have been prepared for the crazies; i think once you suffer a pregnancy loss, your naivete about... life goes down the toilet.  you aren't promised tomorrow and neither is your baby.  but everyday i fight to not think like that and to enjoy every single day and every milestone and just be positive that my son will outlive me. 

one of the final things i was completely unprepared for is the utter love and devotion you feel for your lump of chub.  seriously.  i love my family.  i love and adore my husband.  but this baby.... wow.  words cannot describe.  i remember asking my friend if she remembers life before she had her 2 sons.  she's like, "i remember it but i can't fathom it... i can't imagine my life without them. it's like a distant memory that didn't really exist"... i thought she was crazy.  i couldn't understand.  i mean, i love kids.  i love my nieces and nephew so, so much, but i just couldn't understand that... feeling you get about your own child.  i thought i'd be rip-roaring ready to go, interviewing sitters in the early days, go out like before....maybe not every weekend, i don't want to be THAT mom..... then i had my baby and, yeah, no.  i would rather stay home and hang out with my baby.  what happened to FUN FRANSENE?  she had a baby.  i had to practically be FORCED to go on a girls weekend trip to D.C. (i am so glad i went) because i didn't want to leave him.   

so that's it.  those are some of the very obvious things that i was not prepared for when Liam graced us with his presence.  i'm sure there's more i haven't thought of yet. 

and here are some pics:

last weekend we went to the pumpkin patch.... Liam went on the hayride.  he LOVED it, held on to the tractor and watched the corn as we went along....

and a pic from my DC trip.  it was a book club trip, our book club meets every couple of months and one of our friends in the book club splits her time between chicago and d.c. because she works for the white house.  it was honestly the trip of a lifetime.